Addiction Talk Featuring Model and Actress Brandy Ledford: Getting Real About Addiction and Recovery

Actress Brandy Ledford, known for her roles in Baywatch Hawaii, Andromeda, and Modern Family, opens up about her powerful journey from Hollywood fame to addiction and recovery. Behind the spotlight, Brandy faced a decades-long battle with cocaine and alcohol that began at just 14 years old. Now celebrating 13 years of sobriety, she shares her story of resilience, faith, and redemption. In this episode of Addiction Talk, Brandy offers an inspiring message of hope for anyone struggling with addiction or supporting a loved one in recovery.

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Transcript

Brandy, we're so excited to have you on Addiction Talk because many people have seen you in the TV shows that you've done and remember you as a model. But to be able to hear in your own words your sobriety journey, I think would be so impactful for many people. So welcome to Addiction Talk. Thank you so much. I'm so blessed to be here. And one of the things we always like to start out with is icebreakers to help our audience get to know you a little better. So one of the first questions Mike and I wanted to ask is, as you look back over your career and all of the roles that you've played, which one was your favorite and why? Or did you resonate with the most? Well, my favorite character, you know, I actually I resonate with every single one of my characters, which is a little scary to say, but I think some of them were not the greatest people. But, you know, we all have this darkness and this light in us. And so you can relate to anything. And but oddly enough. The character I loved playing the most was not a human. She was an android. And her name was Doyle from the TV series Andromeda, which was a Gene Roddenberry series, sort of like a Star Trek. But it was set in the Andromeda galaxy. And I played Doyle. And Doyle was the most powerful being in the universe. Um, she was smart. She was the strongest. She was the wisest, the most intelligent, the most capable of adapting to her environment. She was programmed with human responses, um, everything from mental, physical, sexual, emotional. So she got to be a full woman. She got to be the strongest being in the universe of the strongest woman. So I got to be a strong woman. I didn't have to downplay my looks, which I've had to do often when I played smart women. I wasn't able to look like Barbie. I got to wear, not only look like Barbie, but wear pink for a lot of the show, right? So just like my full self. And the reason I love, and I did a lot of work in sci-fi where I played scientists and doctors. And the reason I love sci-fi In general, is because the fans are so dedicated to the genre they really have to suspend their disbelief to believe in a galaxy far, far away and. So you really get to sink your teeth into the role in a way that I got to do with a lot of other characters, but this one. was almost unbelievable. And I got to do it. And I had so much fun. And also because I have a dance background, there was a lot of fight scenes. And so there was a lot of choreography with the fight scenes. I love to do my own fight scenes and actions. I don't do my own stunts at all. But the fight scenes, because it's choreography. And so it harkens back to my dance background. And so I got to do a lot of that. So it was really fun. And the cast was great. And it was just a fantastic show to work on. So that's my favorite character, a hundred percent. I love that. I have a question. So do you think, like you said, you said this important thing that you couldn't actually be yourself? And because it was sci-fi, you could be yourself without any judgment. Do you think that's always been something that's so hard? Because like you said, you couldn't, you know, just be the blonde, be whoever you wanted to be and then be the dance person. Me as an addict, that's always been that thing. If we can't be authentic and we can't express ourself authentically, we usually use. Do you think that's always been that thing with you that you couldn't just be yourself and it had to take a sci-fi character to really embrace that? I love how you brought that back to addiction that was just that was a master class right there like circling back to addiction right now um yes I feel like my alcoholism um my whole life has been exasperated by not feeling comfortable in my own skin not being able to be myself as an actress you're never playing yourself so it's not so much that my character was the only character where I felt like I could be myself. It was just, you know, I remember the first time a producer asked me to dye my hair brown to play a serious role. I'm a really intelligent, really serious person. I'm very, very deep. I have a lot of philosophical thoughts and ideologies and I'm really smart and I'm really a lot of things. I'm capable of becoming a lawyer or a doctor if I want, but I don't look like that. So the stereotype is she's not gonna play that character if she looks like Barbie. You don't even take Barbie seriously and she's everything, right? And that was sort of the, The problem with me in my life, when I started as an actress, I even had my earlier managers say, make sure you go to acting school because you look like a bimbo. You could say that in the nineties. And you want to be taken seriously as an actress. There were very few Charlize Theron, Sharon Stone, Michelle Pfeiffer, who really got to be taken seriously as actresses. They didn't really have the background I did. So I definitely had to work harder at being taken seriously. So when you play a character like Doyle, She's taken seriously because she proves herself right away. And I don't know why the writers put her in all pink and made her cast me and let me be my full self, but I loved it. And yes, absolutely. When you cannot be yourself, that is a huge risk and danger and it's a problem. And we all need to start working a lot more on being who we are, being proud of who we are and accepting ourselves for who we are as people. And I think something you said there, Randy, really hit home because I think when it comes to addiction, there are perceptions. In the same way that people looked at you and the director said, you're gonna need to dye your hair a different color because people have this perception. I feel like that's a similar perception in addiction that people think that someone who's struggling looks a certain way, that they have certain characteristics. So we have all these people who are struggling out there, but the idea that it can look like any of us, it's so far fetched for many people. What do you think about when you think about those misconceptions? Yes, another really incredible segue into people when they hear my story, they they look at. So and I do this, too. But everyone looks at someone else and they think, wow, they look like they have it all together. Look how they seem to be. there's no way they have any issues or, or worse. There's no way they could relate to any of my issues because they must be perfect or problem free or have it all together. And so when I do share my story and I hear this often, you know, people are surprised that you've been through anything and how could someone like you go through stuff like that? But then I feel like they feel less alone. Like, Oh wow. Okay. Well, if she went through all that and she can get through it, then maybe I can too. And then, uh, encouragement and inspiration to share their story when they see how open and transparent, I am about all of my story like everything um but yeah I do feel like people really. Picture alcoholics, and we hear this all the time, right? Like, oh, it's like that guy under the bridge. That's what an alcoholic is. So, you know, I'm a soccer mom. I get my kids to school on time. I have a good job. I work hard. I am employed, gainfully employed. How can I be an alcoholic? And the truth is, is we're addicts and alcoholics, regardless of what our trauma was in our childhood, regardless of what our upbringing is, regardless of how well we can hold it, hide it, keep it. We're alcoholics because we can't drink just one glass of wine at dinner once a month. in my experience, I cannot just have a little bit of alcohol. I can't do just one line of cocaine. I can't just take a pain pill when I have a headache. I eventually, and lately, you know, immediately during, I had a relapse, thirteen years, fourteen years ago, picked up right where I left off. That's why I'm an alcoholic. I can't enjoy a beverage. It takes me, and I lose control completely. So, I think people don't realize that when they're in denial or confused or ignorant about what it means or scared. And so when they see somebody who they thought was something else come out and say, no, I'm also an alcoholic. I hope it gives them the courage to say, oh yeah, I struggle with that too. I have a question because I've met you in person and you radiate so much and you're so like just your essence is great and you're authentic. For years, because I started talking like coming out about drinking and doing cocaine like fifteen years ago and people don't do that. You're crazy. Keep it in the rooms. I was like, keep what in the rooms? I'm not talking about anyone else. Do you find it's hard because you look a certain way and stereotypically you're like, she can't have problems. Even though you talk about it, like, she's blonde, she's pretty, she does stuff. I come from a different background. And then people kind of like, they identify us with, they see me, hey, I'm in shape, I've always looked good, I've always been on shows, I've always done that. They just, then they hear my trauma and they're like, Is that really real or is they saying that? And you're like, why would I make it up? Like, I snorted cocaine like an animal. I drink like an animal. Like, do you know what I mean? So do you do sometimes like it gets a little you get frustrated when people even don't accept your truth? They think it's like, oh, yes, they're just making that up now because everyone's talking about their story. They've got to have a story. Do you ever get into that problem? I've actually never had any experience with that. That's awesome. No, but I can see how that could happen. I feel like the only sort of issue I have is some people are really anonymous. I keep others, but like you said, I'm just telling my story. I keep others anonymous and I actually keep the twelve step program anonymous. I just say twelve step program. Do you know what I mean? I respect the traditions of our program and I am really strict about that. So I think the only real issue I've run across sometimes is people who don't like to share their public, their story publicly, which is totally fine. They don't have to, they have reasons not to. And then they, you know, and I'm so vocal about it and out loud about it, but I've been able to help so many people by publicly announcing that I struggle with addiction and alcoholism that I'm actually not really worried about if people don't believe that no one has come, I haven't come across that, but if I did, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be bothered. awesome i've helped too many people for it to matter whether someone thinks i'm not i mean i'm not getting attention for this like i'm on television i get attention for like any i go to the grocery store i get attention i don't really need to promote my alcoholism to get attention right it's great and you know when i think about your story brandy one thing that really touches me too is that how did you get to the point of being comfortable with sharing it Because I think a lot of people, there's this denial. Like you said, you were doing all the things, you're at the height of your career, you're functioning, you're a mom, you're doing all the things. So we hear that a lot, that people feel like, you don't really have a problem. Are you sure? Is this really me? And there's this denial to getting to the point of acceptance, to getting to the point of sharing your truth. I feel like that's two things. So I'll talk on how I got out of denial, but first I'll answer your question about how I became comfortable sharing it. A friend of mine, Tara Connor, I don't know if you all know her. You should have her on. Yes, we've had her on the podcast. Oh, you have, okay. Yes, yes, yes. She's a friend of mine. When I first got into recovery, don't even think i was on instagram yet but eventually that became a thing and we're all on social media uh and i started watching her tell her story publicly and she inspired me i actually thought oh my gosh she's helping people she's her story unfortunately became public without her permission first right like her entire cocaine situation at miss you know miss america or whatever um And then she just embraced it and is now telling her story. And then another friend of mine, a sponsee of mine, a girl I mentor, would come publicly and talk about her recovery story on Instagram. I was like, oh my gosh, we could do that. I could actually... make a difference. Here's the reason I didn't want to go on Instagram. I was very private. I didn't even want to go on my space. I didn't have Facebook. I still don't. I don't use Facebook. I'm just like, it's for a public person. I'm pretty private and I don't like to share my private life and I and I still don't even on Instagram. But um, and I got gonna have pretty pictures that I could show some pretty cute shoes and outfits and me cooking or whatever. And I was trying to find my way on Instagram. I was like, What am I gonna do here? It has to be meaningful. I cannot just be a pretty face. That will literally not work for me. And then I thought, oh, why don't I inspire? Why don't I do some pretty pictures and then do some inspiration and do some pretty pictures and do some talk on recovery and do some fun pictures and lifestyle pictures. And so I don't, you can see on my Instagram grid, actually, there's a whole, it's usually in the center, but it switches when I post different pictures, but it's my base. And it's inspirational quotes, and I go through and research every single one of those. It has to mean something. It can't repeat, and it has to be personal to me. Either I write it or I take it from somewhere else. But then I... can feel good about what i'm doing on social media because i'm trying to make a difference and i'm trying to be impactful and not just have cute sexy fun pictures all the time i'm trying to make a difference and the only way i can do that is to talk about what worked for me what works for me and what i do to keep it and to me that's my recovery because that's my entire life without god and recovery i have exactly nothing so It's something I have to create meaning where I am at. And that's how I did it. As far as getting out of denial about being an alcoholic, I was in the hospital ODing. It was literally no choice for me but to admit that I was an alcoholic and I was powerless over my disease. Did you worry when you first started talking about it? Did anyone try to say to you, cause you know, we're both in the entertainment industry and sometimes people get weird with that when we talk about our addictions and stuff. Did you, did you, did anyone ever say an agent don't do that? No, no, no, no. Don't start talking about stuff. And do anyone try to say, don't do it? No. That's awesome. I had one person in the business once tell me, you know, when you, but this was like, twenty seven years ago, said, when you stop doing drugs, you're not going to be as creative. I didn't say that to me. Yeah, it turned out not to be true. I worked all the time after that, but no one ever told. I actually my people in my team are in recovery and so they understand it. But no, nobody told me not to talk about it. In fact, I think everyone that I am in touch with is proud to hear me. You know, a lot of them saw me sick. A lot of them saw me in a bad place. And I think, and, and actually, and you probably get this too. They come to me for help. Some of them have either reached out to me on a personal level or about somebody else in their circle. And that happens to me almost all the time, like weekly where one of them will say, Hey, you know, I have a friend or someone I know is struggling. Where can I send them? What can I do? And I usually direct them to the foundation I'm on the board of. that helps people get scholarships for treatment centers or the treatment center that I went to or the ones that I know of that can be helpful. So it's only ever been good. It seems like you have so much wisdom. Brandy, you have such a sweet spirit. You're just so, I don't know. Should I dye my hair brown so you can believe me? I don't know how to describe it, but it's like this sweet genuineness about you. and that's why i think that people probably resonate with you so much in your story because it's the way you can just tell it from the heart like you speak so much from the heart and one of the questions we like to ask people is when you look on your recovery journey and if you had to describe it in one word what would that word be and i know that's hard to narrow it down but maybe it's a word or a phrase if you had to sum it up god God, I like it. All right, here's one for you, because I never had a problem with this, but people battle this all the time. How important is it to surrender? You never had a problem with surrendering? Once I knew I was done, I surrendered. I just surrendered straight away. Your question is how important is it? Yeah, but your recovery. By the way, thank you for that compliment. I love being called sweet and genuine. That made me feel really good. It's so true. I think surrender is everything. I think surrender is vital. But how can I say that when you didn't have a problem with it and you found recovery? So I think... No, no, I meant, if I, no, what I meant is like, I have. Oh, you surrendered right away. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't have a problem getting to it. Yeah, I was going to say, if I didn't surrender, I'd be dead. I was like, I knew when, to me, because, you know, some people mess with the surrendering. They're like, well, I kind of, I'm like, no, no, no. For me, once I surrendered that I had a problem and I had to turn it over to my higher power, I didn't question it. It was like, nope, surrender. Do you know what I mean? Move the ego. That's why I asked. Yeah, that's why I wanted to ask you. Yeah, yeah. Well, so I think surrender is the most important, right? And that to me can mean different things to different people, but it's really admitting you're powerless is an act of surrender. And then it is tied in with an act of faith. in order to surrender, you have to have faith in something, right? So I put all of my faith and all of my, um, my, my life was unmanageable because I couldn't depend on anything except for drugs and alcohol to get me through every single day. When I surrendered and became completely willing to be, um, able to admit that I was powerless, my life was turned over, which is a surrender. Yeah. And I think without that first ability, I don't know how you get sober without surrendering because you have to literally give up the drugs, the alcohol, the notion, you know, the the fear behind it all. But you do have to turn it in. Just surrender it, turn it in, turn it over. So I just I think it's vital. And that's why I have to tie that back into God, because that is, well, first of all, that is surrender in and of itself, you know, this accepting and understanding that there's something bigger than yourself, that God is there and that he loves you and that he wants the best for you. And so I wonder, did you find God in the process or was God always a part of your life? But you now realize just how much he loved and cared for you and wanted the best for you. Wow, that's a great question. I did not grow up with God. I didn't go to church. I didn't have an influence one way or the other. Even though both my parents had religious upbringings, I wasn't raised with a religious upbringing. Until I was about twenty-three or twenty-four, I hadn't even set foot in a church, as far as I can remember. But I found God around that time in church, uh, in a Southern Baptist church in the Hills of North Carolina with my family, my dad and all of them back then in, and nope, and so I had this deep love for God and I, um, it changed my life a little bit and I started going to church and I became a Christian. Um, And I felt loved and held, but I was still a drug addict and I was still an alcoholic and all the other things. And I was even sober, well, dry sober for a few years. And I would go to church. And I believed everything, and I still do, but I didn't have the powerful connection I have with God that I have today because of my program of recovery. So for the last thirteen years plus that I've been in recovery this time, I have had such a deeper connection with a higher power, who I choose to call God, because that's where I'm at. It deepens every day. I get it. I wake up every morning and I pray before I even get out of bed. It's just a thing I have to pray. Um, and I have to read some literature from various sources, Bible, AA literature, devotionals, inspirational recovery literature. And then I meditate and I have to meditate, um, Every day, even if it's just three minutes, like whatever I have, because that connects me to my higher power. And in that way, I can really have this deep connection this way so that when I go out into the world this way, I can just, I mean, that's what it takes for me to just be sane and sober. And then maybe a little of service and gracious. You know, I wonder too, when you say that, were you ever angry with God or ever ask, why can't I just do this? Why can't I just pray and this go away? Like, help me. Did you ever put yourself in those moments? Pray it away. Um, No, not at God, but at the, like, so when I had a, I had some physical stuff happen to me in sobriety and I wanted drugs so bad. I was in pain, but not enough pain. I was in the kind of pain that drug addicts are like, okay, I can, I can take drugs now. It wasn't enough for that, but it was just enough to trigger me and make me want to take, abuse pain pills. You can take pain pills if you're careful about it and extremely responsible and your doctor knows and your supporters know that you are, you know, you have to take pain pills for some surgery. That's my belief. And I've had to do that. But this particular issue I was, I was not in enough pain to require narcotics, but my God, I wanted them for a full year. And I wasn't mad at God, I was mad that I was a drug addict. do i have to be a drug addict i could just if i i mean we're just so drug out of key like i would go why do i have to be a drug out if i wasn't a drug addict i could just take these narcotics no non-drug addict people think that way they take the advil and they're fine you know or whatever so no and i'm on i was never mad at god for anything i'm not mad at god when really horrible things happen in our world either it's it's unexplainable to me um You know, my dad died a year and a half ago, which was, I would say, the worst thing that's ever happened. The worst pain I've ever been in my life. All over. And I don't think I was once mad at God. And I think that's actually surrender, right? Because it ties in with acceptance. Yeah. And then being able to do nothing about my dad dying, right? Just... i don't know i wasn't mad at god i'm not mad at god i was i'm an alcoholic thank god i'm an alcoholic because i now have and well thank god i'm in a recovery program as an alcoholic because um i think it saved my spiritual life to be honest yeah that's great i was gonna there's one thing before joy probably close it up i You said this. I love what you said about faith before. And we were talking the other day. Surrendering is the most important thing to me. Doing so many interventions and so many detoxes now. Like I'm on all these detox calls. The first thing is that you've got to surrender. You've got to surrender. And I always tell people, I don't know about you, but I just want to ask you. I'm one of those people that knows that I'll never drink and do cocaine again. I know that. But my behavior... If I don't have a program, I will make bad choices. My behavior can go very sideways. And I surrender to that every day. So when you start your day, I started meticulously with prayer. I do a lot of yoga. I have to do these things in the morning because I travel so much. If I don't, I'm out. If I don't regulate myself in the morning, I'm out. What is your routine look like? And I know you pray, but what is when you start your day? How do you start it? I mean, how do you set the time? Because we know the time at the start is the turn all day. It's you can't play catch up. So how do you start your day? So I wonder if this is when he cut out, but I was talking about it earlier, but I definitely started with prayer. I don't I don't get out of bed before I pray. I pray and I have a set list of prayers that I love. Um, and then I don't go on social media. I don't, I try not to turn on the news. There's not turn it on, but you know, get on Twitter or Apple news. I, um, I do have a rule that no, so no, like Instagram, I don't go look at my Instagram before I do an hour and a half worth of stuff. So my mornings, if I'm lucky, I wake up very early and that gives me time to have my prayer time, my coffee, because coffee, I God coffee, God coffee. They're like tied for like the most important part of my day. Uh, and then I read, I read, um, some stuff from my Bible. I read some devotionals. I read recovery based literature. I read page eighty six to eighty eight in our big book every morning. Um, And then daily stuff like from Emmett Fox. I read some stuff from Courage to Change, A Day at a Time. I just have this long list. And I've been doing it since the day I got sober. And I just am pretty strict about it because it's what's working. I'm actually probably superstitious about it now. But I found some things that work for me. And then I meditate. So I take all that knowledge that I just read. And then I sit in stillness and then quiet for, I like to do twenty one minutes, but if I only have three minutes, I'll do three minutes. And just I do a contemplative practice that Father Richard Rohr talks about, and it's part of the contemplative outreach. And it's just find the sacred word and And use that you know my thoughts drift all throughout my meditation everybody's so intimidated by meditation because they can't do it because your mind races, and so you feel like a failure and I learned early on in recovery in recovery, I mean in rehab. Yeah, your mind's going to race. That's why you have this sacred word or why you have a moment to come back to your breath or there's a lot of really good guided meditations, whatever works. For me, it's just come back to that sacred word and find stillness. And that's when I can connect with my higher power. And that's when I and it takes all that just to get me up and out of the house for the day. Then I'll go do yoga and I'll do my day. I tend to go to some twelve step meetings. I'll work with a mentor or some girls that I work with. I'll have a good day. Anyway, at the end of my day, I do an inventory. I do a tenth step every single night. And I've been doing it since the day I got into rehab and learned about it. I do an inventory of myself. Where was I dishonest, self-seeking, selfish, afraid? Who am I resentful at today? And what's my part in that? And how can I let that go? And where was I of service? And how can I look at some assets too? You know, it's not about berating yourself. It's about looking and see like, where was I doing good stuff? And then what do I have to thank God for? I bookend my day with God. So that's my practice. It takes all that. Well, I think, Brandy, you bring up a good point in that because now you're very self-reflective and ability to see yourself, to analyze your thoughts, to process. It's like you've found a way to process that. Do you feel like when you were in the midst of addiction that it was an escape for you, a coping mechanism trying to fill a void, but now that you've gone through recovery, You've learned that it doesn't really fill you, that there's another way. There's another process. Yes, it was an escape. It was a coping mechanism too. And I had it from the very beginning. It was all I knew how to cope. It was all that was role modeled for me. It's all I saw. I started very early. You were eleven, right? When you first started? I was eleven when I first started, I smoked pop, but I mean, even before then, some of the adults around me were giving me rum and beer. And I remember really early, like six years old, loving to pop my dad's beer can and then drink the foam and loving that taste and that effect or eating the little pearl onion out of my mom's cocktail. I don't know what it was. and loving that alcohol in my system, you know, early. So then when pot came, I am not really a pot smoker, so it wasn't like my thing, but cocaine and alcohol, a hundred percent my thing. So, and that started at fourteen. I was so young, you know, but I don't think it was, I think it, conceivably it's filling a void. um so when you take it away you have to replenish that void with the good right with the god with your higher power with the program of recovery with other people chocolate anything that works that's you know healthy but i never thought of it thought of it as filling a void in that In the using period, you know, in that timeframe, I wasn't aware like, oh, I have a void. I need to fill it with alcohol. It was just an instinctual default that I would go to. And that's the part that surrender plays such a significant role in recovery because it is my default. I don't know about other addicts, but like drugs and alcohol are my default because that's what I started with. And I had to unlearn. and reprogram and go, I don't need that to help this situation. Hey, listen, if alcohol worked, I'd be drinking it. I loved alcohol. If cocaine worked, I'd be always snorting it or smoking it because I loved it, but it doesn't actually work. And yet we can't think our way sober. I can't just rationalize that like, oh, it doesn't work. I'll stop now. I do have to then, in recovery, go, what is that void? You know, they say you have a God. A really good friend of mine who mentors me in a different program says, you know, do you have a God-sized hole? And the only person that can fill a God-sized hole is God. And then the other friend says, there's no hole. There's no void. There's just surrender. Yeah. I love what you said. People get upset with me when I do meetings and I'm like, oh, if I could snort cocaine and drink, I would. Trust me. I have no problems. I tell people all the time, I snorted cocaine once and it wasn't like, oh, I have arrived. This is great. I'm not stopping this. And as soon as I drank. So I love when you're honest like that. It's like it doesn't go. If I could get away with it, I would. I just know I can't. So that means, like you said, we have to surrender and fill the void. And that, you know, that's people, that's like meetings, that's doing the work. Because it's not going to go. It's always going to be there in the distraction. So do you... Right now, where you are in your career, and things have really kind of... strange it's very strange right now you know do you have fear how do you maintain and and work through the unpredictability of what's going on especially in the industry because you're in the industry like i am and it's very difficult right now it's so difficult you know it's so interesting yes i have never not worked as an actress and i audition all the time and haven't been able to book a job and it's so interesting and I'm not in fear about it. Um, but I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Um, the industry is changing, uh, in a lot of ways and it's good for a lot of people. It's just not good for me. Um, But I have to say, and I loved my job and I worked, you know, in the beginning, Joy, you said I had a massive acting career and I sort of giggled. And then I remembered like, it just, yes, it's just what metric am I comparing it to? And like, To be able to work ever as an actress and do what I loved and the only thing I ever wanted to do my whole life and to be able to have gotten to do that for so many years is such a blessing i'm so grateful that I got to do that. and live my dream job for many, many, many years and now that i'm in recovery I. don't know if i could keep everything together and go work as an actress so there's a part of me when i talk about acceptance i talk about god i still give it my all i just auditioned for something great the other day that i really wanted um but i let that be god's will like if it's not for me it must be for me Do you know what I mean? That's good. You need to put that on you. It's not for me. Yeah, I just thought of that. It's really good. And of course, in the acting world, you have to be able to tolerate rejection because out of ten auditions, you make it one. I mean, if you're lucky, that would be my old trajectory. Now we're going on a lot more than that. But you just deal with rejection and you don't take it personally. i still don't but i can see it differently and i can zoom out and say yeah if it's not for me then it's not for me i'm gonna use that if it's not for me because i think the other thing is you still found a fulfilling life one in rehab you found yoga and now You are doing like, when I heard about this, I'm like, this is so beautiful. You do like private yoga lessons for individuals. You are connecting with people. You may not be connecting with them in this moment through, you know, through TV, but you're connecting with people in such a powerful way now through your yoga. And tell us how people can connect with you in that way, because I think that's so powerful that you're still finding purpose, right? You're still showing up and finding things you love and life kind of evolves in that way. Thank you for bringing up yoga because yes, it's this beautiful passion I have. And, uh, I, what we had to do yoga twice a week when we were in rehab and, I fell in love with it. It really centered me and grounded me. I'd probably practiced yoga a little bit prior to that, but never really, really understood it. Never understood how it affected me spiritually. And so I just started doing it once I got out of rehab and I sort of did it here and there and did a little bit at a time. And then I started going more frequently. And at my local yoga studio, they had, and I loved it. I fell in love with yoga so much. I can't even tell you. At my local yoga studio, it said teacher training. And I was like, oh, that's cute. They're going to train the teachers. And then I went, and the next day I went back to yoga and I, I saw the sign and I was like, that's so funny. don't know what i thought i didn't think it was funny i just thought like they're training teachers it didn't occur to me and then the third time i saw the sign and i went oh like you're going through training i could become a yoga teacher and they're going to train me on how to do so anyway sometimes i'm slow so i say yeah go do that it's going to enrich my practice at the very least i'm just going to learn more about yoga so i go i take this class it's two hundred hours so it's like ten weeks it's a lot of commitment And, um, and I find out that I love teaching yoga to this, you know? And so they, they say, oh, you know, if you want, you can, they call it an audition, which was funny that if you want to audition, you can become a yoga teacher at our studio. And I was like, no way, I'm not gonna be a yoga teacher. I'm an actress. And then I thought, but wait, I love this. Who cares? Go just see what happens. See if they even give you the job. Well, they gave me the job and it turns out I absolutely love everything about it. So I teach at a local studio to usually a very fun full class. I love to create sequences. I create playlists. It's part of my service to others. It's something I do just for fun. I really enjoy it. And so then I started taking that and I use a lot of my, I don't ever talk about sobriety and yoga, but I use a lot of my recovery principles when I'm teaching intentions and setting the tone and and it's just very intentional and i love it it's such a passion um so then i just decided to start doing some private yoga sessions because some people don't like to come to class or some people can't um and some people who've known me for a really long time through my tv work want a way to connect with me and personally and i don't i don't talk to people really on like instagram i don't i mean sometimes i will but passes came up for me a couple of years ago. And I thought, well, maybe I'll get on this platform and have a really cool way of directly connecting with my fans in a way that benefits both of us and start teaching yoga online. You know, there's a lot of online yoga avenues and things for people to do. And so this one is a place that I'm willing. I go, okay. I'm willing to teach private yoga sessions to people if they want them in a way that I can be compensated for, but do what I love. And you said people are signing up. They're like passes.com backslash Brandy Leffer. And you can, and I thought what you said was interesting is a lot of people come there for recovery support. Like you think like it says yoga, but they're like, this is also a support kind of mentor opportunity for you. It could be. I love when people talk to me about my recovery. I will answer anybody on Instagram if they talk to me about recovery for fun and for free and just to be of service. Passes is a lot of things. It's very layered. It's not just yoga. It's not just for people who want to talk about their recovery. It's a way of communicating one-on-one on a subscription-based platform. And you're guaranteed to get an answer from me right away. You know, I'm really connecting with people in various ways. So it's not just yoga, but it's a way for people to have a little bit more insight into my personal life and into what it's like to be in direct contact with me about a various amount of things they want to do and talk about. Well, I was going to say, well, I was just going to say a couple of last things that I wanted to touch on with you from Brandy is you did go to rehab and that was a big thing for you. And if you were to give a message, because I think a lot of people are hesitant to want to go to treatment. There's a lot of unknowns. There's a lot of fear. Why do you think that people should consider treatment? And how impactful was it for you? I mean, you've made it four to thirteen plus years, you're saying now. And I know you had been even longer, but you had relapse, which is part of the disease. But it was it seems to have been very instrumental in your journey. Well. I think. People have a lot of different ways of getting sober, right? Lots of different options. I do love treatment. I always think it's a good kickoff. You know, it's a really good starting point. If people can't afford treatment or they're intimidated or they can't, a lot of people don't want to take that time away or to be, I was gone for ninety days. So I, you know, I was able to leave for three months. A lot of people can't, they can't even take off for twenty eight days, right? So there's other ways of getting sober. I love treatment and It's a chance to unwind. It's a chance to be in process groups with other people that you can relate to. It's a chance to learn about other people's stories and how they overcame. But you get the same thing in a room of alcoholics in a twelve step program too. So I don't think it has to be treatment. That's my first choice. But a lot of people I know have been sober a lot longer than me and they never went to treatment. As long as you're asking for help, as long as you break through that fear. I read something the other day that was so smart. It said, you're not afraid of failing. You're afraid of people seeing you fail. I was like, wait, what? Because so many people are so afraid of saying I need help because of what the other person's going to think about them. And so I would say, pick up the phone. my dms are always open for a recovering alcoholic or drug addict you know someone who's dealing with drug addiction um mike i know is always available i'd say pick up the phone send a message let someone know you need help if you are struggling even if you don't know if you're struggling if you think you might have a problem pick up the phone and if you're willing even just a little teeny bit to surrender the notion You don't have to surrender everything today. I went to rehab. I was in the parking lot popping pills. I was telling the guy, oh, I have my period. He's like, okay, honey. I go, no, but really, I need to take all these pills. Until I got, and then I had to throw them all away. I'm not saying you have to give it all up today. I'm saying surrender a teeny bit, even if it's that fear of making the call. Surrender that fear for a minute at a time. So powerful. And then what people need to know if you've enjoyed this conversation is that you are working on a memoir, my friend. So we are excited. Tell us more about that as we wrap that up, because you've given us little snippets, right, through the conversation today. But I can imagine the memoir is more detailed, more real and authentic of how you really are. And now you're in the process of writing that. I am. I'm at almost seventy thousand words of it. I have to tell you, it is unbelievable. Everyone should write their life story. I reread it and it gives me my dignity back because I can't believe everything I went through in my life and came through it and I'm coming through it and my experiences are not wasted because I can tell the story to help others. And so I'm brutally honest. There's stuff no one knows that are going to find out that scares, that scares me. I don't quite know if I'm publishing this yet. But there's a lot that I've been through. There's a lot I've done. A lot of choices I've made that I'm not even proud of. But I did them. I got through them. And then I turned my life around. So it's a really... powerful thing to do for me. And I'm really proud of it. I'm not finished with it yet. So I don't know when it's going to come out, but I'd love to share it with you when it does. You absolutely have to share it with us because like you said, just the things you've never shared, just write it down on paper. And I think people, a lot of people don't even realize how therapeutic it is just to tell your story, just to write it down. just to see how far you've come. And the fact that we see you here today, Brandy, you are smiling, girl. You are glowing. You've always been beautiful, but you have a glow to you. And I think you are the epitome of the fact that don't give up on yourself, that recovery is possible, and that there's always hope. There's always hope, and don't give up. So is there any final words you'd want to leave as we wrap up? Just thank you. Just thank you. Thank you for asking me to be on your podcast and for everything you are all doing to help others in recovery. You work tirelessly. I see you, Mike. Mike is a savage when it comes to helping people. Well, you know what? Brandy will know this. I'm glad you said about the treatment. I went to three meetings a day for the first three years. I just walked into meetings. So I was owning bars with Scott Weiland and all these people shooting TV shows, and I just walked into meetings. And I remember this great thing this person said in a meeting, and they said, how much did you use? I'm like... eight ball cocaine a day drinking and never stopped. High bottom, what do you want? And he's like, that's how you have to use the rooms. And as soon as that guy said that, I was like, oh, right. And I just, everything I do, and Joy will tell you, I do detox groups all day. I help people all day. I do content. It's like, I'm an addict and an alcoholic. I'm up at three, four in the morning doing yoga. I don't mess around. I have to run a program because, like I always say to people, and you'll agree with this, when you look at this disease we have, it's pretty special when you see a guy like Robert Downey Jr. went from smoking crack to Iron Man. It's a pretty big stretch. Right? That's a superhero. There's a superhero in every addict. We just have to get out of our own way and surrender and then become a superhero. I love that. That's good. That's so good. Thank you so much for coming on. It's daily. It's a daily practice. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So it was awesome. Thank you. Thank you, Brandy. Okay. I'm going to end the recording and give it time to.